This journey is a daily battle for me, one in which I haven't entirely come to terms with. Is it something that I will come to accept and learn how to cry a little less over? Or, is it something that just IS...and this is exactly what I should be doing? Is this a part of a grieving process that is necessary for me to get through this journey...the grievance of needing all this help to have our precious children brought into this world, the grievance of feeling like a failure somehow-to my husband, to my future children, to my family, & to my friends? Will I have to succumb to the anti-depressants they say so many in my situation have, or will I be able to find coping mechanisms of my own?
And the guilt...how do I get rid of this feeling that I am doing something completely and utterly wrong, that I should be much stronger, positive, and filled with faith? How do I do as people say, "Let go and let God?" How do I become this person in my mind that I feel like I should be, that I want to be? Will I look back on this time in my life one day and wonder why I didn't handle it different? Or, will this only make me stronger and into the person and hopefully mother I am meant to be one day? Does God have His hand in this very situation I have doubted Him to be in for so long? Is it true that sometimes he tells us to WAIT and sometimes he simply and painfully tells us NO?
Will I ever find the answers I am looking for....or simply the ones I don't want to hear?
5 comments:
My heart breaks for you. I can only imagine the emotions you feel. But just know that saying you are going to let go and let God is much easier than doing it. You are only human. Lean on those around you. It sounds like you have a pretty good support system.
Hope things start to get easier soon. I'm happy to listen anytime.
Thank you Joanna! You have been an awesome listener and wonderful encourager for me! I truly appreciate your kindness through this whole situation.
My heart aches for you. I can't fathom what you feel. I still don't know what to say. I use search for answers, I search for what to say. And in the case of both, we may never find the answer. In the meantime, I will continue to keep you and James in my prayers, and send you lots of love
You know I love you so, so much and while this journey is harder than words could ever begin to express, it is such an honor to travel this road with you ~ to watch you grow every day into an even stronger woman than you were the day before. You have tackled things in this past year and fought harder these past few weeks then I have ever seen you do before. I am so incredibly proud of you!
I pray every day for our "angel in waiting". We love you guys more than you could know!
Thanks guys-your continued prayers and support have helped me more than you could possibly know! I truly love y'all and could not have asked for better friends!!!
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