*sigh*

I started my period yesterday and went in for an ultrasound this afternoon.....no, not knowing exactly what step we would take next but fully expecting to take A step. But, to our surprise (sort of), I have a HUGE cyst on my left ovary (measuring about 58 mm) and we will not be able to move forward with this cycle. If we did, the clomid would feed the cyst only making it larger and more painful for me. Plus, we would probably just waste our money and not be able to conceive anyways. Apparently, they will let you move forward if the cyst is only 15-20mm or smaller-obviously this one left no room for that possibility. Anyone can get cysts on their ovaries but when you have PCOS like I do, your chances are increased.

I have felt very conflicted for a long time, not feeling quite confident if we were making the right decisions concerning fertility treatment and starting our family. How does one actually know what the right step is (if you can define discernment for me, please let me know)? I have been praying for guidance and peace the entire time but more recently I started praying that God would simply shut the doors to those paths we should avoid and open wide the ones we should travel. Could this be God’s answer to my prayers? Could He be shutting the door to us trying this month for more reasons than some silly cyst? Does He feel like we need a break and/or that my faith needs to be tested MORE? Is it possible that these previous medications have started regulating my body thus creating the chance for a natural pregnancy this month (yes, I slap myself as I say this because I do not want to get my hopes up)?

The same emotions continue to flood out that I have felt through this entire process......hurt, sadness, guilt, loneliness & I continue to ask the same infamous questions:
Why me?
When will it end/when will we get our chance?
Can’t we catch a break?
Really, I have to wait 1 more month?

Etc. Etc. Etc. You know how this goes...

We were able to get some information today and will get even more next week at our “regroup” appointment with Dr. Hickman.

Clomid + Timed Intercourse Monitored = $500 (what we’ve done for 2 rounds)
Clomid + IUI Unmonitored = $650
Clomid + IUI Monitored = $1,000
Injectables + IUI Monitored = $2,000 (the injectables are a more intense treatment used to stimulate follicle growth....the chance of multiples do increase. the scary part is that if more than 4 follicles are of good size, they will cancel the cycle or remove the follicles for IVF in order to avoid a John & Kate + 8 scenario.....which of course is wise but obviously more money down the drain since we do not plan to do IVF)
IVF = $13,815 (and yes, the financial clerk has this memorized to the last dollar)

So, that’s that! I am just SO tired. God will have to carry me through this storm because there is no way I’m making it on my own-it’s obvious my strength can only come from Him. I am at that place where the only way I can look is up. And maybe, just maybe, that’s EXACTLY where He wants me....