I had my annual exam today and no, this is not where my dreams lie. And yes, I too wonder why I had to go to this appointment-haven’t they seen enough of me (both literally and figuratively) over the past 7 months?! Anyways, I am actually glad I went. Oh, how I love Joni, the sweet nurse that I always see for these dreadful appointments. Whether she actually does or not, she acts like she genuinely cares about me and my unfortunate situation. She hugs me and tells me how sorry she is for what I’m going though-she’s simply compassionate. Plus, she always talks through the examination which distracts me (as much as possible) from the not so fun annual experience.
Besides all of this, Joni made a believer out of me today! She said, yes, you have a lot fighting against you as far as pregnancy is concerned but we WILL get you pregnant. My other doctors have said it before and even friends and family seem to have no doubt that it will happen, but somehow it was different today and I believed her. Maybe it’s not something that happened today, but something that has happened to me over the past few weeks or so....but I feel a peace that I haven’t truly felt through this entire season of my life.
Just the other day I was telling James that I was a tad bit excited at the thought of it happening. I still don’t know what’s going to happen, but I know it’s going to be okay. I can’t help but feel a little excitement when it comes to thinking about possibly being pregnant within this year (or at least school year). Wow-can it really happen? Will it really happen? Will I really have a precious being(s) growing inside of me? Will I get to experience the blissfulness of pregnancy. Will I get to be the center of a baby shower rather than just the hostess? Will I get to pick out names and decorate a nursery? Will I get to feel that precious being kicking inside of me?
I promised myself at the beginning that I wouldn’t do this, that I wouldn’t get my hopes up about something that might not actually happen. I just can’t help but dream a little. I dream this with reality hovering not far away-the reality of knowing that this might not be what God has planned for us. But in this moment, I choose to merely dream...and maybe, just maybe, my dreams will one day become reality!
10 comments:
You hold on to that dream, and don't give up! I am so proud of you Jaime, and so happy that you seem to have found a peace, a belief that it WILL happen. I know what you mean about getting your hopes up, but holding on to something that gives you hope, that inspires you, will keep you reaching for that dream. And like you said, gives you a feeling of excitement and optimism. Love you girl!
My heart overfloweth! This is an amazing post and you deserve to dream :) I promise to throw you the biggest, best baby shower(s) ever!!!
I felt a need to pray for you yesterday. I'm so glad I did. It sounds like you have found a peace. Never let go of your dreams. The day your finally get to hold your precious baby in your arms, all of this will have been worth it.
Thanks guys-love you all very much!!! :-)
And I will help you Heather! It will be Babyshowerpalooza!
Ha...I'm a lucky girl with great friends! ;-)
I am still looking for cute J names...because one day you will be like I was the day I found out I was pregnant. Just for kicks you should know, regardless of this little mister currently banging my keys on the chair, I still dont believe I was ever pregnant. (YOU should know I have decided if I have a girl, its quite possible her name may be Lorelai) ;-)
And my wish for you is you are as abnormally happy and grateful as I was.
We love you Aunt Jaime :-)
Thanks Kristin! Love you guys and love that name!! :-)
Dream on, Jaime. And dream big. I've kinda been 'stalking' your blog...never leaving a comment... (creepy, huh? lol) so I've kept up with your posts since I became a follower of your awesome blog and have been praying for you and James. God hears you. He knows the desires of your heart. One day, your babies will hear their mommy's testimony and know how incredibly much you wanted them in your world. Nothing in this world could make a child feel as absolutely special as that testimony. DREAM!
"Stalk" away Casey (I'm guilty of this myself)! I started this blog as a way to help me work through my feelings. Opening up about my situation has only brought about the much needed support and prayers that I never even realized I needed. I truly appreciate your kind words and prayers-you are so sweet and such an encourager. And I sure hope your right and that one day I do get to tell my sweet babies how much I wanted them...and never stopped fighting for them!!!
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