It's Okay to Cry

It would be an understatement to say this has been an incredibly hard journey. And I would be lying if I said that I have been positive throughout the whole ordeal. I am merely human and my heart aches. I have bad moments and yes, I feel guilty about them. But, I love how God shines in these “moments” and keeps me going when I feel like I can go no more.

Friday I had one of those “moments” I am speaking of. For starters, I was in pain from yet ANOTHER really bad UTI (I know this because of too many past experiences). In some ways, I couldn’t believe it. I haven’t had one since before my surgery and since starting the antibiotic I take every day to prevent getting these pesky things. But of course, my body tends to react differently and now I have another one. So, I spend all morning trying to get ahold of my urologist knowing that they are only open 1/2 a day on Friday’s. They finally return my phone calls and simply tell me they are going to call me in another prescription-3 days after I finish it, I have to leave another urine sample. Sound familiar? Frustratingly familiar to me...I really hope that we are not going down the path of UTI after UTI again. Or, could it be kidney stones? Or both?

On top of that, after playing phone tag with Dr. Holt’s office (my fertility specialist), I finally get to speak with one of the nurse’s. She has spoken with Dr. Holt and he seems to be fine with me getting off the shots. BUT (there’s always a but) he wants me to wait ONE month after stopping the shots before we start trying to get pregnant. He wants me to take some medicine that will make the lining of my uterus stronger. Okay, yes, this does seem like a reasonable “request” but my frustrations do not come from this. My frustrations come from having 2 doctors who should be on the same page but are not. How confusing is this to someone who is simply trying to do the right thing and follow the guidance of her “expert” doctors? Now I am just confused. Dr. Mathias says I will be at my most fertile time right after getting off the Lupron....does this mean if I wait the month Dr. Holt wants me to wait that I will miss my chance to conceive? Do I trust Dr. Holt more so than Dr. Mathias since he is actually a fertility specialist? Should I see another doctor and get what I guess would be a 3rd opinion?

Needless to say, my poor, sweet husband saw many tears Friday night and several friends got an earful (through text at least). I hate to admit it, but I get in these “moods” where I just feel completely and utterly helpless....like it doesn’t matter what I do, like I have no control over ANYTHING, especially not this.

After running in the 5K yesterday, which was a wonderful reminder of the greatness of God, and spending the day with my parents and aunt, I came across an old entry while doing my devotional. It was titled, “It’s Okay to Cry.” I don’t think I came across this by accident-I think God wanted me to see it to remind me that it really is okay to cry.

“[God] comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” 2 Corinthians 1:4

The entry talked about a lady who had been dealing with the loss of her husband. Another woman approached her about her amazing strength throughout the whole thing-she had this skewed idea that the lady had not struggled one bit since her husband had died. The story goes on to say that the lady had indeed struggled, crying and even screaming at times. She was able to help the second lady in the story who was going through a different but equally as difficult time because of her honesty.

I say all of this to remind myself {and others if you’re reading} that it is okay to cry. I don’t think God wants me to feel guilty, but to grow in this and potentially help others because of my struggles. The scripture I have been reading, the devotionals I have been doing, and the people I have been talking with have all brought me to the same conclusion: COMMUNITY! I have heard this “word” several times in the past few months and I am finding it to be true. God does not want us to face this life alone; he wants us to join a community-a group of people sharing common characteristics or interests that we can find support in one another. I am so excited that James and I have joined a Sunday School class at our church, KBC Outfitters, and are finding a wonderful community to be a part of. They have all been so amazing, making us feel so welcome-I believe God brought us to this particular class for a reason. As I open up about what we’re going through, I am finding more support than I could have ever imagined, people who have been through similar situations and even those who haven’t; they just care!

So, I end with the scripture Pastor Alex taught on today; scripture that perfectly ties in with everything I have just talked about.

“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22-23