A Day With Jesus!

I did the unspeakable (in my book anyhow) and took the day off from work. I had no doctor’s appointments (not officially anyways); I am not sick; I am not out of town. I simply needed a break from it all-a day to play catch up; a day to reflect on “me” and where my life is going. I had been in contact with the Director of Counsel & Care at my church about receiving counseling services....fortunately she was able to meet with me this morning.

I cried-I cried A LOT and I poured my heart out to this sweet lady whom I had just met. I told her not only the desires of my heart but what I WANT the desires of my heart to be. We prayed together and she gave me a few suggestions until I am able to meet with my counselor next week:

1) Since I took the day off, spend it with Jesus!
2) Purchase and read the following 2 books:
        *The Blessing by John Trent & Gary Smalley
        *Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge
3) Since I enjoy blogging, write to Jesus!
4) Study the Word, believe it, and live it when these “lies” start creeping into my thoughts.

I truly appreciate her taking the time to meet with me today-what a difference it has already made...what a blessing she has been! So, I have spent the day outside, enjoying the beautiful weather, reading, studying His word, and praying....praying for a change of heart.

Dear God:

I don’t even know where to begin. To say a prayer is one thing, to put it on paper is a different story. Amidst all of the heartache and pain, I love you and am grateful that you are placing people in my path that are leading me back to you. Sometimes Often I wonder if this is exactly why I am going through this trial in my life...so that You can have the relationship with me that you long to have....so that You can take care of me the way you desire to.

I have known something was missing from my life for a long time and I have felt you “tugging” at my heart, never willing to let go. Thank you for not letting go! When all of this hit, I knew I couldn’t continue down the path I was on....I had reached a point where I didn’t care about ANYTHING (other than having a baby of course). Oh sure, I was/am a “good person” so to speak and I stay away from “bad” things but I am now remembering back to my high school days when I got saved and the joy & fulfillment that brought with it. Oh, how I have longed for that same feeling.....for you to wrap your arms around me and tell me it will all be okay....and for me to truly believe that once again.

Although I HATE what I am going through and what I have been through, I almost can’t help but be thankful for it.....because without it, would I have found my way back to you? Would I have this crazy, overflowing desire to seek you out and become ever closer to you? Would James and I have become members of an ABF class and be looking for more information on becoming members of the church? I guess only you have the answers to my questions-regardless, I am grateful!

Yes, I want a baby more than anything in my life right now! Lord, my heart is getting heavier and heavier as I go through this process. But I do believe that you have a great plan for mine and James’ life. I cry as I type this because I know it’s true-I’m just scared to know that it might not be exactly what I want it to be. I know that you will heal my heart and prepare me for whatever you have in store.....but right now, it’s hard and I’m hurting.

My prayer to you Lord is that you will change my heart! Continue to give me this great desire to make you #1 in my life and give me the courage to seek you out. Give me the patience that I need to continue down this journey of health/fertility “problems.” Please help me to not be impatient but accept that Your timing is perfect. Help me to realize & believe that my feelings are “normal” and to not be so hard on myself....but allow myself this process of “grieving.” Remind me that you are making me stronger through this situation and great things are coming. Please help me release my control issues and give everything in my life to You. Please help me not live my life “waiting” but to treasure each moment you have blessed me with. Please help me to not worry so much what my prayer’s sound like, but focus on the fact that I am talking to You and building back our relationship.

And to think I didn’t even know where to begin when I started my prayer to you.....

In Your Name I Pray-Amen!