Anyways, after reminding Dr. Holt who I was and what stage of this process we are in (does this mean I should find a younger doctor who can remember me?), he tells me that per the ultrasound, my uterine lining is still too thin and we need more time. It is at 3-4mm and he says it needs to be at 6-7mm in order to hold an embryo. In 3 weeks, I am to start taking some medication that will make me have a menstrual cycle; 1 week from then, I am to meet with Trudy (my endocrine specialist), who will start me on Clomid to help stimulate ovulation. My doctor kept wanting me to “okay” this but between the tears, I just couldn’t. I simply rhetorically asked, with no rudeness intended, “Do I have a choice?” He did say that we could skip the clomid step and go straight to IUI....and he actually recommended it. Why you ask? Because I AM IMPATIENT!!! Yes, he is correct in this statement but I truly do not want to make this decision based on my impatience.
I know in hind site that this “set back” doesn’t seem huge but when you’re the one going through it, it is. Here are the random ramblings from my head that night:
- A “V” shaped uterus....can anything else be wrong with my insides?
-Another month? That’s what you said the last time....is it going to be like this every time I come in?
-My doctor doesn’t really seem to know me or my case. I do like him and he’s brought me this far, but should I consider finding a new doctor and if so, who?
-How do the nurses expect me to STOP loosing weight when I haven’t lost weight on purpose-I have stomach issues and am on a STRICT diet lifestyle change.
-The nurses think I might need to stop running but at the same time think I need to stop stressing....why are you going to take away something I enjoy doing and is a great stress reliever?!
-Is clomid going to work or should we jump straight into an IUI?
-Is God punishing me....does He not think I will be a good mother?
-Why does it happen so easily for some people while others have to go through this battle?
-Is it still possible that I am already pregnant but it is just too early to tell?
-Is it possible that it might very well still happen without the doctor’s help?
-If I have to go through this, why can’t God just change my heart?
-Why do I feel so guilty for how I feel....are emotions controllable?
*Disclaimer: I never said all of these thoughts were rational!
After crying my eyes out Monday night and most of the day Tuesday and with the help of good friends and my precious counselor, I am up and running well at least jogging again. Well, maybe I will give it a speed walkers pace. I’m up; I’m not crying (well, not as much); I’m seeking help in what I hope is all the right places; and most importantly, I’m working on my relationship with the Lord who is the only one who can truly heal this broken heart.
And one very important thing that I learned over the past week, wether I always believe it or not, is that it is indeed okay to cry. In fact, it is therapeutic!
Oh, and for all you ladies out there struggling with infertility and for those of you who want a little insight into what we are going through, see the following sermon:
http://houstonsfirst.org/JacobHeroOrHeel-PartThree
*Thanks to a precious friend for sharing this with me!
7 comments:
Jaime,
I'm so sorry you're struggling like this :( What a rough time! I just wanted to leave you some encouragement & as someone who did IVF as their "first option" I want you to feel ok if you do go the IUI route. God has given you that option as well so don't feel guilty if you do decide to do fertility treatments (just make sure you pray for guidance and listen to Him to lead you in the direction you're supposed to take). If you do decide to switch REs, I would love to give you my doctor's info (they are at Memorial Katy). You are daily in my prayers as you face these tough decisions - just make sure that you are doing them for YOU (everyone will have their own opinion, but this is between you, James & God). Let me know if you want to talk or have any questions.... HUGS!!!!
You WILL be a wonderful and loving mother. In the brief time I got to you know, I knew you were going to be such a sweet Aunt to Sophie. You are right, it is easier said than done to be ok with the obstacles put in our lives, but just be patient and with God's grace, you will have that baby in your arms when the time is right. I admire your strong faith and honesty and will keep you in my prayers.
Love,
Debbie :)
I have no words to say Jaime. But I do want to tell you this: for the last 2 (3 I actually think) nights, I have had dreams where I a) get a call from you telling me you are pregnant b) a text with the same news or c) you running to me holding the stick you just peed on with 2 pink lines (this one was my favorite). I don't know why I was there, but I was, and you came and waved that stick in my face. And no I wasn't grossed out. I totally took from you to look and then hugged you as we jumped up and down and cried. Then hugged some more. Then Heather and I started planning things. So it WILL happen. I know it. Keep the faith sweetie. Love you.
Oh, I just love you guys!!!! If I haven't learned anything else (and I've learned a lot) it's that I have the most wonderful friends!!! Thank you all so much for the constant prayers and encouraging words-it means more to me than you could possibly know!!!
And Holly, I love that you are having dreams about me-I have been praying for these dreams (that may sound weird but I crave to see this) and I'm so thankful that He's blessing others with dreams about my future...you are the 3rd person that's told me this! :-)
Love you guys so much!!!!
=) BTW, Joel's cousin has a blog I follow- The Pen and the Sword...check it out sometime. She is really good
I love you! I know I have only know you for a short time, but you have such a sweet spirit. I am so glad we got to talk this morning... it was very special. God loves you so much. Patience is not my strongest fruits either, but know His timing is the perfect timing. When that is and if you should try clomid or IUI is between you and God. You will know if that is His will from perfect peace over flowing. Crying is okay... He holds every one in His hand. Lean on Him and not the doctor's understanding. I will be praying for you, sweet friend and if you ever need to talk feel free to call me. You are so precious!
Thanks so much Sterling-you are too sweet! I love you too and am so thankful for new friendships....looking forward to getting to know you better! I too enjoyed our talk this morning. Thank you for all of the encouragement and prayers-it is appreciated more than you know! I am praying for you and your friends...and same to you, I'm always here if you need to talk! :-)
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