A Whole Lot of Update!

I have not updated the ‘ol blog in quite some time, not because I haven’t wanted to write, but because I haven’t had anything positive to say. Although this is the place where I have the freedom to share how I feel, I don’t want to come off as “Debbie Downer.” And yes, I fear that judgement. But my sweet husband has encouraged me to pick it up again and in an attempt to do so, this might be a long, somewhat negative post topped with a little TMI-you have been warned!

About a month ago, I started ovulating-yes, actually ovulating ON MY OWN! This came as quite a shock but nonetheless I was excited and both James and I rushed home to....well, ya know! ;-) We did our research and tried our hardest to do everything right! I was so excited thinking that this could be it-there could be a precious baby growing inside my tummy in no time. The following week I was to start taking the medication intended to make me start my period so we could in return start the “fertility” process. I went against my better judgement and took an at-home pregnancy test....and you guessed right, it was negative. I was heart broken but still had some hope left in knowing that these tests are not always accurate and it could still be too early to tell. Not wanting to start the medicine mentioned above until I knew for sure, I talked to my nurse and went in for a blood-pregnancy test. I don’t know why I let myself get so excited about this.....I don’t know why I thought it would be so simple. I got the phone call on Friday, during a good friend’s baby shower at work, and the test was indeed negative. Again, I was heartbroken to say the least. Actually, I was devastated....I was mourning the loss of having a child “naturally.” At that point, I realized that this was it....fertility treatment was/is definitely in our near future. I tried to make the right choices that night-I went for a run only to stop 1/2 way through crying my eyes out. I intended on going home and studying the Word but instead I made bad choices and ended up with my head in a bucket puking my guts up.

So, things did not go as planned and I made a few bad choices...but I didn’t let this stop me, no way! I started taking the above mentioned medicine-one pill twice a day for five days. I started my period the following Sunday (cramps are STILL terrible). As ordered, I got my blood work done on Tuesday and met with my doctor (Dr. Holt) and the endocrinologist (Trudy) on Thursday of that same week. What I thought was going to be a simple appointment to get me started with the next step in the fertility process only brought more frustration and worry. Yes, Trudy did give us a plan to start the process (of course it beginning in another month, another cycle) but she had some concerns because of the previously mentioned bicornuate uterus and the fact that my prolactin levels were REALLY high (she said it is as if my body already “thinks” I’m pregnant). This caused another adjustment to my medication-an increase in Bromocriptine (hormone pill) and a decrease in Clonazepam (dissolvable stomach meds)! Me being very much unprepared, they wanted to do an ultrasound to take a look at things and dilate my cervix-OUCH!!! This was super painful and I bled A LOT! Apparently my cervix is really “thick” making it hard to do this procedure (making it really painful for me) and in return causing more concern. They decided I needed to have a hysterosonogram-an ultrasound where they inject fluids into the uterus so they can get a better look at it. Needless to say, I left hurting....physically and emotionally.

And yes, I had another rough weekend....enough said.

Monday I took off work as I had three doctor’s appointments....might as well get them all knocked out in one day! First, I went to see Dr. Holt for my hysterosonogram. The older Dr. Holt was out as his wife had emergency surgery so his son, the young Dr. Holt, performed my procedure. I explained to him that I wasn’t quite sure “why” we were doing this exam and he went on to say this: they have two really good ultrasound techs; one said I had a bicornuate uterus and the other said I do not. They wanted to take a closer look so that they would know for sure. To my surprise, this was WAY more painful than the last procedure. I literally felt like I needed to vomit and the cramping was terrible. James can vouch for me as his hand is the one I was squeezing-plus, he saw what they stuck in me! The doctor then told me that he would need to “double-check” with his dad but that I did indeed have a bicornuate uterus which makes it harder for me to get pregnant and increases my chance for miscarriage. He said I would need to have surgery-it would be a Friday surgery and I could be back to work on Monday but then I would have to wait at least 6 weeks before we could start trying. As you can imagine, my heart was breaking into a million pieces once again. I explained to him in not so many words that I am incredibly frustrated because every time I go back to the doctor they say something else is wrong with me and that it will be another ____ amount of time. I asked him if him or his dad would call me back ASAP so that we could get the surgery scheduled if necessary and I asked him if I could have a copy of the ultrasound results.

James and I then went to get lunch while we were waiting for my next doctor’s appointment. I was crying and he was quiet. I asked him why he wasn’t talking, that I wanted to know his thoughts/feelings. He said, “I don’t know sweetie, this is bad-really bad!” At this point, I felt completely and utterly hopeless! If my “eternal optimist” of a husband feels this way, then it MUST be really bad. We hardly talked during lunch as neither one of us had much to say...we were just scared.

It’s time to wipe our tears and get a SECOND opinion! Dr. Hickman’s office (Houston IVF) is the floor right above Dr. Holt’s. As we entered, it felt like we were at a spa-it was incredibly beautiful with a waterfall and soft music playing....and even better, the staff was super friendly! They even took our pictures for our records so that they can get to know us better-I like this with the hope that this doctor won’t forget me! We met and talked to Dr. Hickman in his office for a good long time. We explained to him where we are in this process and where we’ve come from. We explained our frustrations about the whole thing and where we want to be at this point. He was very kind, understanding, and supportive! He gave us statistics, gave us his recommendations, and gave us a plan. WHAM! Just like that we had answers. Yes, I’m impatient and want things when I want them but to have a plan in place lifts a burden that has been plaguing my heart for so long. We discussed the most recent news from my other doctor and just like other things that were said, there was some confusion. He explained to us that a bicornuate uterus is when you have a V shape in your uterus-this can not be corrected with surgery but you do run the risk of pre-term labor and having a c-section. A uterine septum is when the uterus is partitioned by a longitudinal septum while the outside of the uterus has a normal shape. This indeed results in surgery. He suggested that we go ahead and go get our (yes James, you FINALLY have to do something too) blood work done and he would give Dr. Holt a call so that they could be on the same page. I was nervous about this call as I had not told them I was getting a second opinion but really, at this point, I didn’t care! Dr. Hickman came in as we were finishing up and told me that since Dr. Holt was not completely sure about things, that he would like to go ahead and take a look using a scope. Oh boy......did my heart rate go up and my breathing get heavier! Considering I was ready to be pregnant yesterday, I wasn’t going to let any amount of pain stop me from moving forward. They gave me some ibuprofen and went at it again-read above if you want to know how it felt!!!!!! In the end, it was so worth it because the results were that I did not have anything wrong with my uterus and that I would not have to have surgery! It was a bitter sweet moment-I was so happy and relieved yet so frustrated from the pain I had went through over NOTHING!!!!! We met one last time and went over the plan. I asked him if I was supposed to just “drop” my other doctor. When he talked to Dr. Holt (the young one mind you) he said that they were overwhelmingly busy right now and he should just take on my case. WHAT?!?! I’ve spent the last 9 months with you and your just going to drop me like that....plus, I’m not even YOUR patient!!!! I was hurt but I felt like right then, my decision was made that much easier (he called back this week confirming that his dad felt the same way). My dad put it this way: “Are you going to stay on a sinking ship or jump on to another one and keep on sailing?” Touche dad, touche!

The Plan

• Get James’ sperm tested-who’s been saying this the whole time?!?! He would have gotten it done on this day but AHEM, that’s actually my fault. Who knew he had to expel himself at least 2 days before and no more than 5 days after?
• Get the blood work back and make sure there are no issues there.
• Increase the Metformin I'm taking from 1 pill to 3 pills. I take this for low blood sugar but it increases fertility as well!
• Wait 35 days from the first day of my last menstrual cycle to start my period-if I do not, they will give me medicine to make me.
• On day’s 5-9 of my cycle, start Clomid.
• At some point after this, I will start going in for follicle searches (I will also attempt to use an ovulation kit at home so that in the future I won’t have to go in so much).
• Have timed intercourse (oh yes, very romantic right?).
• We will do 3 cycles of Clomid and 3 cycles of IUI before moving on to IVF.

And as for the third doctors appointment, I ended my day with a MUCH NEEDED counseling session!

So there you have it, my life over the past month in a nutshell! I am relieved in so many ways but I won’t deny that I am remaining cautious. One thing I’ve learned about myself through this all is that I have no “happy medium.” I get extremely excited with my hopes up only to fall, and I fall hard. Therefore, I’m not being negative but cautious so that when things don’t work out exactly how I want/expect them to, I won’t fall so hard. A special friend found this song and I think it describes me and how I feel right now to a tee! I am broken but still holding on to the hope I have in the Lord. No matter how things turn out, I trust He will carry me through this storm!