A Change of Heart (Part 2)

I know, I know...it was very unkind of me to leave you hanging with the promise of an upcoming post and to not follow through for an entire week. What can I say? I’m BUSY people!!!! :) But hey, you can’t really complain because a week is much quicker than I have been updating.

My title has (Part 2) at the end of it because when I decided to write this post, I realized that I had already written a similar one but with a very different outcome. You can find it here: A Change of Heart. I started this post off with:

“Can one really change the heart...the heart that is hurting; that is breaking while the world continues to spin all around it...the heart that knows there are by far worse things in life but can’t seem to focus it’s energy on those circumstances...a heart filled with dreams that seem to be drowning by the infamous “what ifs?””

The answer to my own question is no...but there is One who can. And I know this because He changed my heart. God has brought me out of the darkness and into the light, an outcome I never quite realized was possible. He has set me free from the bondage that has been holding me captive for so long. I have found my smile again and it is genuine...not because my circumstances have changed, but because I am truly happy and at peace with my life. I don’t have this huge miraculous moment to speak of but feel that each and every moment that has happened over the past year and a half has worked together to bring me to this amazing place in my life. Although I went through an incredibly dark time, I am actually thankful for all that has happened. Without each and every moment, good or bad, I don’t think I would be where I am today.

Last semester (yes, I speak school lingo) I found myself in a really dark place-it’s no secret, I was depressed. My family and friends were at a loss on how to help me; I missed 2 days of work because I simply couldn’t go in and left early one day because I couldn’t stop crying; my smile was so far gone that I couldn’t even reach it anymore; I was making bad choices that weren’t good for me or any future children I might have....things that only provided single moments of happiness with short term effects but no long term benefits; everyone I was around could tell by looking at me that something was wrong. I didn’t even recognize myself anymore.

With the never ending support and prayers from family and friends, after several months of incredible counseling, and a LOT of time spent with the Lord, I am beyond excited to say that I am in a much healthier place in my life. Christmas break was a great time for me-I was able to take a step back and reflect on my mess of a life. As I was training for the 1/2 marathon (yes, another promised post to come later on this), I remember throwing my hands up in the air and saying, “Lord, I give it ALL to you! Whatever you want me to do, I will do it. You are in control of this situation, not me. It isn’t about me, but about You.” After hearing a precious lady (a dear friend now) speak at the Freedom Series at our church and tell her incredible story of adoption and giving up control to the Lord, I fought with God. He was speaking to me then, just as he is now, and I didn’t wanna!! How could I give something so dear to my heart to the Lord? I was scared....I felt like by doing this, I was saying it was okay if I wasn’t able to have biological children. At the time, that definitely wasn’t an option. But on that warm, winter (oxymoron?!) day as I was running, I gave it all to Him and TRULY meant it. That day was a turning point for me and I have never felt so much peace in my life! Can you imagine the weight that was lifted off of my shoulders when I relinquished control to the Lord?! To know that Someone else would take care of it all, that I don’t have to....now that’s a comforting feeling.

God has been doing CRAZY things with my heart ever since and now I realize the possibilities are endless. Whereas adoption was in our future before (of course after we had our own biological children) it is now something that we talk more about ....even as an instead of having our own biological children. Don’t get me wrong....we’re not exactly to the point where we are giving up on the fertility process (we will obviously finish out the previously mentioned cycle) BUT I’m finally at a place where I can accept if God says that’s not the plan He has paved out for us. Yes, I am sure I will still grieve the loss of that dream....but I now know that God will carry me through that storm if necessary. And if He wants us to continue down this fertility journey, He will take care of us through that as well. One decision that James and I do agree on is that we will not go as far as IVF. Now, for all of my friends out there who have chosen this path, DO NOT take offense to this. We don’t have anything against it. We simply feel that it is not the road we’re meant to travel.

My new biggest challenge in life....DISCERNMENT. With this newly changed heart, what does God want us to do? Does He want us to quit the process right now and go straight to adoption? Does He want us to continue on this path with the help of our new doctors? Is He going to bless us with a biological baby (ies) now that I am willing to do whatever He wants me to do? Does he want us to take the money we would spend on these treatments and put it towards adoption? I am not sure what will happen but I do know that His plan is far greater than mine.

I regret not blogging for so long...I feel like I missed out on recording some precious moments....moments God provided to get me on the right track. Out of order or not, I will write as they come to me. I’ve said from day one that I hope I can use my story to make a difference in someones else’s life. Who knows if one of those moments might do just that! :)

I cannot end this blog without saying thank you....two simple words that don’t seem like enough, two words that come from the bottom of my heart. If I have learned nothing else from this journey, I have learned that I am loved...loved by my Creator and loved by my family and friends. Everyone has been incredible and I appreciate the constant support and prayers more than you could ever imagine. This unfailing love is in fact what changed my heart! All that being said, I leave you with this quote (possibly modified because I heard it on tv):

“It’s more about parenting than it is about genes!”